When you're gone
by Yara-Blair.Hitzig
Summary: Hikaru has started to distance himself from kaoru, why? What will they both do given their last chance?
1. Chapter 1

~I do not own ouran high school host club, this is just for fun, and all rights correspond to their original owners~

I really liked writing this story, some of the poems used in this story were written from real experiences, but I tweaked them a bit so that they fit with the story. Also, this is my first(finished) story, and my first, sexually mature, story, so let me know what you think.

* * *

Hikaru moved out of our room about a week ago, but that wasn't the only change around here.. His attitude towards me is different, and he's rarely home. The times Hikaru IS home, the bedroom door is locked, he's brought someone with him.

I wonder what they do behind closed doors. Is it someone I know? Why did he move out? Is he tired of me? Why won't he tell me? 'why..' That's all I ever ask…"why?" I wish he would tell me… the same face as mine, but I don't know anything behind it, not anymore..

I look at the clock on my shelf, '2:30a.m', I wonder if he's home…Moving out into the hall way, I look at your door, it's slightly open, you're not here…When I go into your room it's messy, your clothes are thrown all over the room, and your bed sheets are in a pile on the floor. I can see plates of food under your bed. The room is stuffy, and it smells bad. My bangs are sticking to my forehead, I hadn't noticed it's hot in here. It surprises me that I'd be sweating in YOUR room, I know you love the cold. Back in our old room, you would lower the temperature so much it almost snowed. I hate the cold, still , I didn't mind it so much with you, because despite loving the cold, you were warm..

I go back to my own room, and sleep, thoughts of you-no, thoughts of who you WERE, fill my head, and invade my dreams..

* * *

I haven't seen Hikaru all day. I wonder what he's been doing, has he been getting into trouble? It doesn't matter how many questions I can think of, they won't be getting answered. Why did he suddenly leave, there was no reason… couldn't he just tell me that? To me, silence is worse than the ugly truth, because with the truth, you have a set answer, you have a reason but with silence you can come up with countless of outcomes.

It's midnight. Down the hall, I know your room is empty, I've looked for you long enough to know I won't find you. Your room is still, quiet and warm, obvious signs to your lack of presence.

At 18, you want to fly, spread your wings and soar, but couldn't you take me with you? Flying without me, makes me afraid, you might get shot out of the sky…and I won't be there to help you ...

I've seen you enough to know your face, but you're gone long enough for me to miss you. Will this distance between us continue to grow?

We used to be able to talk about everything and anything, there was no topic that was awkward, or unspeakable between us. Now, your absence leaves me with unanswered questions.

Is this who you really are? Do I not know you anymore? I hate summer, the sun has showed me what you are, but no matter what, all the times I think of you, my bragging isn't hollow, because in the end, you're still my brother..

From where we stand, I don't know what tomorrow will be like, but I hope that in the future, we can remember the good times, despite the scars that never faded. A lesson I learned from you; laughter is the best medicine.

I feel sick. Every time my heart beats, me chest hurts. Why aren't you here to make me laugh?

When I look back at it, we were as different as day and night, but it didn't matter! We still met and sunset and sunrise. I wish I would have asked you to promise me, to swear, that we would always be together, that nothing could tear us apart. I hate empty promises, but I need this now…When you're gone, I'll find you in my mirror, because looking at who you are now, you're just a stranger with my face.


	2. Chapter 2

I had to get away…I know it wasn't his fault, I did this the wrong way…but how do you control a rabid animal? You get away from it. I know he would never push me away, and I didn't want to push him either…but it was the only way I could control myself, the only way I knew I wouldn't cross the line.

I moved out of our room about a week ago, but that wasn't the only change around here. I'm sure he noticed I was trying to distance myself from him, I'm sure he knows I did it on purpose. I don't care if he knows.

I wish I could be someone else, that way it would only be half wrong. I wish I could forget about him, forget I ever felt this way, forget the heartache. My chest hurts, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel dizzy at the thought of what I want to do to him. I disgust my self, but the feeling in my groin over powers my disgust and I end up thinking of him while I pleasure myself anyway. It's not until I see my seed stained on my hands, that my repulsion returns. I roll onto my side after I clean my self up. It makes my nauseous stomach feel better, and I try to forget what I just did. My sigh is amplified in this empty room "What's wrong with me…."

As my eyes close, I hear the beautiful melody echo through the house, "he's practicing again…" The music lulls me to sleep, but even in my dreams I can see him, the way his hands move swiftly across the piano.

_His hands slide across the keys as his fingers slowly dance with the music._

_This beautiful melody comes from inside him. _

_I lay on my side, watching him from the couch, entranced; the way his eyes look at me from under his bangs, the way his fingers dance on the keyboard when he reveals to me his soul._

_I never once kissed those red lips, but I've wondered what they taste like. Those hands he moves expertly, across the piano, have never touched me, but I've wondered what they felt like… _

_I can't say any of it. Words would end this, ruin it and turn it into a nightmare. This moment in time is my secret, because our love is forbidden, unnatural._

_He plays my favorite song as his eyes find mine, and I forget my thoughts once again._

_A smile creeps up my lips while he just looks at me, speechless. I want to know what lies behind those eyes; what he's thinking. I want to know, to hear those unspoken words, his deepest secrets, like mine. I want him to tell me, show me: will this memory mean the same for you as it will for me?_

_My head is filled with the music his hands make, I almost miss the way his lips move, the _

_way he turns to me and whispers above the tinkling notes, "love is never unnatural."_

I wake up with a gasp, and I realize my face is damp with tears shed only minutes ago. It's a rare moment when reality exceeds fantasy, but I want to keep believing it's possible...I have to…

* * *

Tonight, I'm tired of being alone, confined to the same four walls as the previous night. I brought a guy home with me. We just met, but we both need each other for the same reasons…

He's not the person I want to do this with, but then again, I'm not the person he wants to do this with either…

as soon as the lock clicks behind me, he wraps his arms around me, and I lean my head back into the crook of his neck. His cold hands are sliding up the front of my shirt, they cause me to shiver and he pulls it over my head. He kisses my lips roughly, but it's comforting, this sensation removes me from reality, and I escape into my mind, my fantasies, a dream that will never be.

He's nibbling my neck now, his hands are at the zipper on my jeans, and he knows I'm anxious now, He can tell by the way my hips thrust into his hand, searching for the sweet friction. I pant, calling his name barely above a whisper "k-kyouya…" he continues at my neck, working his way to my shoulder blade, his hands still teasing me below, lightly grazing over me. I moan, thankful this room is sound proof; I wonder what he would say if he saw me…if he heard me…Kyouya turns me around to face him, his eyes full of warmth, of empathy, "You can call his name…" his thumb caresses my cheek, "It's ok, don't mind." I hold his hand to my cheek, smiling lightly as tears fill my eyes. He kisses my eyes, then my forehead, and slowly leads me to the bed. I know what follows from here, and I know I'm doing this with a stranger, but in my head, in my heart and in my soul, it's Kaoru…

I lay in bed, curled up in my blankets, kyouya is hugging me tightly from behind, it's comforting, I don't feel so alone, but it's not enough… Am I a selfish person, wanting kaoru all to myself? Will I lose myself in a pleasure caused by a replacement? Is this the person I will become, indulging myself behind four walls that hide my secret?

If I say I love you, will you love me the way I love you? If I said I want you, would you want me too? If I said I was sorry, would you forgive me?

I have so many things I want him to know, a lot I haven't had the courage to say…to ask, but as long as we're alive, I hope I still have a chance..

* * *

Kyouya went home last night, I'm grateful to him, for letting me use him as a substitute, but I want the real thing, I want to know what kaoru's body feels like, how warm his skin will feel against mine. I want to make him mine. I know it's strange, but there's no way to change who you are and how you feel. All these secrets, have driven me to barricade myself inside my mind. Torn between what's right and what I want, has there ever been a way to have both?

All of these thoughts overflow in my head, as I sit up I feel muscles contract sorely, and the throbbing pain in my head dulls my senses.

It feels like a long night but it's only been a few hours, the clock on my wall reads "8:34", I stretch slowly, getting out of bed and making my way to the bathroom. When I get out of the shower a while later, it's already nine o' seven. I moved slowly careful of any movements that would make me feel worse.

By the time I find jeans, a shirt, and my shoes it's well past nine thirty. I still feel drained but breakfast will take care of that. I don't usually like asking for anything I particular, I find it rude to make requests, but today I don't think my stomach can handle anything heavy, so I ask for a warm oatmeal and perhaps a tea for later. Before I can even start my breakfast, one of the maids walks in and bows. "Master Hitachin, your mother wants to see you, she's in the study", she bows again and leaves. I decide to put off breakfast until after I see what my mother is bothering me so early for.

* * *

It's a good thing I didn't eat breakfast, otherwise I'd be puking my insides out right now. I feel nauseous, and I think I'm hyperventilating. I feel the tears stinging behind my eyes, threatening to spill. I want to scream, get on my knees and plead, I would do anything if it meant that he would reconsider…but it's too late…

I feel like a helpless child, with no other way to convey my feelings besides crying, kicking and screaming, and that's exactly what I feel like doing, but I just stand there, gritting my teeth and glaring at nothing in particular.

An omen, that's what it was. This pain, this throbbing of my head and pounding in my chest, I ignored the signs…I feel like such and idiot.

I realize I've been standing there like a statue this whole time, and I'm sure my mother can tell something's wrong, but instead of acknowledging the awkward silence she repeats Kaoru's sentence. "Did you hear him Hikaru, he's studying abroad." I don't say anything I just nod. I can't speak,but it doesn't matter because I wouldn't know what to say anyways.

I look to kaoru for an explanation, but he just stares at the floor. I want to shake him out of his trance, to make him tell me why he suddenly decided to leave me, but for once in my life, I process my second thought. _I left HIM…he's just giving me what I asked for in the first place. It's my fault he's leaving! I did this to myself…I did this…_

My mother asks me again , but I cut her off mid sentence, "I'm not an idiot I heard what you said. Is this all you wanted me for?" My mother nods a bit surprised at my reaction, and as I walk out, the last thing I see is the way kaoru's eyes look at me from underneath his bangs…


	3. Chapter 3

I slam the door behind me with all my might; the doors hits the frame so hard it shakes the entire floor, but right now I don't care. Suddenly, everything bothers me; all these stupid useless things! All the things mother bought me, and the things kaoru gave me.

I go on a rampage throwing everything I find; I pull the clock from the wall and tear the picture frames from their place throwing them across the room. I stand there panting, hands balled into fists as tears stream down my cheeks.

How am I supposed to ask him to stay? How do I explain my reason for pushing him away? If I did tell him, would he be disgusted with me? All possible outcomes play in my head as I lie on the cold tile floor. My head feels worse than this morning, probably because the strain of crying requires too much energy, and I haven't even had breakfast yet.

I fumble around the room searching for the now shattered clock, it reads three o' two. I must have passed out, I don't remember being here that long.

As I look around my destroyed room, I wince, the emotional pain coming back all at once, and I remember why it's like this. I sink to the floor with my back against the wall, knees up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. I feel like my room looks, broken, destroyed…alone. _please don't leave me kaoru, don't leave…_ "I'm sorry…please don't leave me…please.." my words are barely above a whisper, and yet I feel like I'm shouting at the top of my lungs.

I wake up later that night around ten. My room is dark and cold, usually it's comforting, but tonight it makes me feel empty, numb, oddly aware of everything but unable to concentrate. I get up from the cold floor and my head spins, sending everything in a whirl of shadows as I fall to my knees. I take a couple of deep breaths for a bit then stand up and make my way across the hall to kaoru's bedroom.

Despite the nausea and throbbing headache, I make it inside the familiar room. He's asleep already and I can see suit cases in the far corner next to his bed. As I stagger to kaoru's sleeping form, tears form in my eyes, all I can do is kiss his forehead and ask him to forgive me.

Through the pain, both physical and emotional, I realize that I can't ask him to stay…no matter how much I apologize and beg him, there's no way to forgive what I've done. I betrayed a trust that we spent our whole lives developing, a relationship that was the foundation of our whole lives. I pushed him away because it was convenient for ME... I was inconsiderate and now that he's leaving I want him to stay.. Who am I to ask him not to leave, but not to talk to me if he stays?

Tonight I sleep alone, only my guilt invading my unconscious mind…

* * *

_Why did you do this to me hikaru? Please talk to me! Was it something I did, or something I said? I'm sorry for everything, for whatever it is I did to make you angry, just please…talk to me. I don't want to leave like this…._

I don't know anymore ways to beg him…for almost a week I tried talking to him, but he'd just shrug me off or pull away when we were together. When I saw him at home he'd lock himself in his room and blast the stereo so loud that the bass would vibrate in my body even if I was in my room across the hall.

_If I knew our days were 'numbered' I would have spent them more carefully…but I'm sure we'll meet again right? I'm sure we'll eventually talk this out, and we'll go back to how we used to be._

I say this to myself as I lay on my bed, curled up under the covers. Tears flooding my eyes make the world around me blurry. This unfocused vision makes me feel better, I can't see my empty room, I can't see that you're not here…I'm numb, unconcerned of everything, I don't even realize what my body is doing. I hadn't noticed that I started crying harder, that I sat up against the headboard, and I'm sobbing. The tremors rock my body back and forth as I close my eyes, curling my knees up to my chest, wishing, and hoping that you'd reconsider me. "hikaru…" I sniffle as my sobs are interrupted by hiccups now. "Hikaru…please…hck"

Tonight, only my tears accompany me to dream land. My room is empty, and I'm alone, my suit cases have become my new room mates.

* * *

When I awoke the next morning it was almost noon. All records from the previous night were momentarily deleted, but looking at my surroundings it came back all at once. I sit up quickly, getting out of bed and running to kaoru's room. I have no idea what I'll say, or what I'll do, but I can't let him leave like that.

I bang on the door "kaoru!" he doesn't answer. I see a maid standing at the end of the hall way; the look on her face… tears are welling up in her eyes, it catches me off guard. "why…why are you.." she shakes her head and bows muttering something between the tears. I rush to her, _is she hurt, is something wrong? _I don't know what to do so I just stand there, asking her to tell me if she's ok. she just looks at me and smiles gently "Yes master, but you are not." I stare back at her, it takes me a second to register what she said "wha-what do you mean?" I'm not sure if I want to know what she has to say, but something tells me it's important… "sir… your brother's gone.." I don't believe her, _he can't be gone already…it's too soon, he barely told me this yesterday!…_but my denial is answered with kaoru's empty room.

"where is he?!" she backs away from me, and I walk faster toward her, the maids know everything, they ALWAYS know everything. She continues shaking her head as I grab her wrist, pulling her toward me, "I said, where is he?!" my voice echoes loudly in this empty hall. The maid tries to pulls her wrist from my grip, but this just makes me hold her tighter. She winces, but remains calm, although the tears are still there. "He left this morning...his flight was at nine.." I slowly let go of her wrist, but she stays in her spot. "Master Hitachin.." trying to comfort me she puts her hand on my cheek, and is met with a sudden jerk as I grab her shoulders. Startled, she screams, and looks up at me as if she expects me to murder her right then and there, but instead I just nod slowly. "thank you…" I let her go, dashing out of the house to the car out front.

"To the airport, fast!" I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by going there now, but I have to. Kaoru was there, I have to go…I need to.

We arrive within fifteen minutes. I don't wait for the driver to park, I just hurry out of the car while he circles the parking lot, and I hear him yelling from the window as I run to the front doors of the building.

Why am I here? Kaoru is gone, he left…yet still I search the crowds endlessly. Frantically I run through the building, tears well in my eyes, barely realizing, registering that I'm too late… _kaoru!…_ I'm panting by the time I reach the waiting area, my muscles are sore and my throat feels dry, raw_. I'm done, I don't know why I ever came here...it's pointless_, his flight was hours ago. _Why DID I come here, it showed me nothing, except how wrong a person can be. _

As I look for a seat, my eyes fall upon my reflection. He's leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, his fingers interlaced in front of his face as he looks at something in the distance.

At the sight of him, I let go of a breath I wasn't even aware of holding. My muscles relax and I don't mind the ache in my legs. I feel light, and tears run down my cheeks as I walk toward him. 'kaoru.." He looks up at me, quickly standing up to meet me. "What are you doing here, how'd you get here?" I shake my head as I smile, as usual I never know what to say… "hikaru why are you crying?" he cups my cheek with one hand and my neck with the other. I don't want to say anything…words would ruin this and turn it into a nightmare.

I throw my arms around his neck holding him to me and press my lips against his. I don't want to let go, I can't let him go. I break the kiss and look at him, my arms still wrapped around his neck. He smirks and puts his forehead to mine "damn hikaru, took you long enough." I'm sure he knows that I love him, I'm sure he knows I don't want him to leave. I don't care if he knows. In that moment, kaoru pressed his lips to mine roughly, yet they felt gentle.

I'm not sure how he'll explain to mother that he's not going, but for some reason, he doesn't look like he cares. I lean against his shoulder and he puts his arm around me. The car ride home is bumpy but I fall asleep easily in his arms.

When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is kaoru, we're in OUR room. I have my head on his arm and he's asleep facing me. I smile, I can feel the blood rush to my face, I'm probably turning a light pink. Giddy, I gently kiss his lips resting my forehead against his, closing my eyes and enjoying the feel, the liberty of being able to do this. Deep in the moment I don't realize when he wakes up, I just feel him move me closer against him, wrapping his arms around me.

* * *

_I'm sorry hikaru, I don't know how we got here. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself at this point_. I'm on top of hikaru, who looks a bit scared. I gently kiss his neck and he gasps, tugging at my shirt. I take this as a sign and remove it, taking his off next. Leaving a trail of kisses, I move down his chest to his lower abdomen, this makes kaoru shudder, and me smirk. I do it again and he groans, "h-hikaru, don't…tease."

From between kaoru's legs, I look up at him, and he nods. I start undoing the button of his jeans and slide them off. I crawl back on him, as he wraps his legs around my waist and shuts his eyes tightly, this makes me smirk again. "kaoru…I need to take my pants off first..,." I know he's scared…he's the one on the receiving end, I can see why he'd be scared. "I promise I'll be gentle" I put my hand to his cheek and kiss his lips gently, "I promise I'll make you feel good." he relaxes slightly and I kiss his face. I hold his hands over the button of my jeans, and his shaking fingers start working on the button as I watch him carefully. He blushes trying to concentrate on the task in front of him. Tilting his chin up I kiss his lips again. "Don't worry…I promised." I take my pants off, and lay on top of kaoru again, whispering against his neck "does this feel good?" I nibble lightly on his flesh and he groans. "hmm?" I do it again, coaxing an answer out of him "mmm…" I chuckle lightly taking that as a yes.

I want Hikaru to feel good, and although I may be acting a bit confident, I'm terrified. I don't know how much he'll let me do...I don't know where I should stop. I don't want to hurt him, but I finally have him within my reach, I don't want to have to let him go, to have him push me away again…

I continue exploring Hikaru's body, every inch of flesh available to me. A couple of minutes later and we're both completely exposed. It's not the first time we've seen each other naked, the last time was about two weeks ago, but this time it's different, it's enticing.

Pressing up against Hikaru's length, he arches his back and stifles a moan, I love those sounds he makes, these faces I've never seen. I pin his wrists on either side of his head as he wraps his legs around my waist, I start nibbling on his neck as I rub against his length with a bit more pressure. In breathy moans he begs me not to tease, but I can't help it, I want to see those lewd expressions, I want to hear him beg me before I can indulge him. Letting go of his wrists I move down his body, sucking hard on his lower stomach, which makes his toes stretch and curl. Knowing I can make him act like this drives me crazy. I lick the tip of his hard length but instead of taking him into my mouth, I kiss his inner thigh, moving up higher. He squirms underneath me, raising his hips to meet my mouth which won't satisfy his needs. A smirk spreads across my lips at the sight before me; hikaru is breathing hard, his eyes closed, head to one side with a beautiful pink hue across his cheeks, his hair is damp with sweat, sticking lightly to his forehead, and he's biting his lower lip. I groan at the sight of him, it's too arousing, it's hard to proceed slowly. Honestly, I want to take him right now, ram into him and revel in that tight warmth, but I can't. I want to please him as much as I want to satisfy my own cravings.

This moment, is our secret, because our love is forbidden, unnatural. It's not about doing something wrong, it's about never wanting to let go, it's about our hunger, our love for each other, it's about wanting to stay together forever, and admitting that it might not be possible. So instead of worrying about how we do this, we focus on the meaning behind the actions, we're now living in the moment, in the pleasure and trying to remember every inch of skin, every single sound, every movement, the other makes. We're trying to make a memory, to remember this moment for when the time comes that we cant do this anymore. This is our moment.

* * *

"k-kaoru…" moaning his name I blush, clasping my hands over my mouth, but he pulls my hands away, saying he wants to hear all the sounds I make. I blush a deeper red, but forget his words as he lightly grazes my hard length with his tongue, making me arch my back

_I don't want to do this…it's my first time, I'm scared…but I want him. I don't want him to stop, but I don't want to go all the way_. "ahh….mmm…" _he's really persuasive.._He crawls back on top of me and kisses my lips as his hand slides down my body, putting my legs on either side of his waist, then sliding down up my thigh. I know what he's going to do, this is the part tha- "ahh, kaoru!" I raise my hips as he slides a finger in, "I-it hurts.." I pant, looking up at him, he smiles warmly, cupping my cheek with his other hand, "relax hikaru, it'll feel good in a bit." his voice is deeper than usual, and his eyes are glazed over. I can't help but moan when he says that, and I feel him slide another finger in. "ahh…hahh.." His fingers move around inside me, almost sending me over the edge, but he pulls out before I complete my climax, pulling out a groan from deep inside my throat, and when I open my eyes to look at him, he's smirking. Gently kissing my lips, he looks into my eyes. I can't take it, this is too embarrassing, so I look away. "Hikaru.." I can't look at him, but my eyes connect with his anyways. He spreads my legs a bit further apart as he moves closer to my entrance, and raises my hips slightly.

Looking into his eyes is the hardest part, but as he gently pushes into me, I can't look away. The wanton expressions on his face show It's hard for him not to thrust hard into me. "ahh….hah…k-kaoru…it..hurts.." tears stream down my cheeks and I bite my lower lip so hard that I feel something warm slide down my chin. Kaoru licks the blood siding down my neck, following the trail to my lips and slides his tongue in, exploring my mouth. I can feel myself relax as I wrap my arms around him. The pain is too much, I feel my nails clawing into the flesh on his back, as he hisses and arches his back, causing him to thrust into me.

* * *

I accidentally thrust into hikaru right after entering him. This is what I was afraid of, messing up, hurting him. But when I looked at hikaru, he raised his hips and moaned louder than before. I couldn't help but chuckle at his surprised expression. "didn't know you could be so loud?" hikaru blushed and looked away a glare in his eyes. That however, didn't last long. "I'm moving now." He didn't answer, instead he nodded and wrapped his arms around my neck this time. My tongue invaded his mouth as I rammed into him, a bit deeper this time. I groaned, the tight heat around me forcing sounds of pleasure from me, and moans from hikaru.

* * *

"k-kaoru…deeper" of course kaoru quickly fulfilled my wish. It's true what they say, having sex with someone you love, stimulates your senses, and you feel everything fifty times amplified. Within ten minutes I was at my limit, "k-kaoru…c-can't...wait...anymore!"

Embarrassingly enough, holding hikaru to me as I cried, I climbed back down from my orgasm.

A while later, kaoru and I were wrapped up among the covers, I was lying on his chest as he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my lips. We were sweaty and still panting slightly, but it felt perfect this way. We were together and despite the taboo we had just committed, we realized our deepest feelings.

Thinking back on it, our first time, was a bit clumsy, a little messy, and were afraid.

But at that moment, it was perfect, because after all we went through, we let go of our inhibitions, and gave ourselves to the other without reserves. Kaoru and were are in love.

* * *

I couldn't help but chuckle at Hikaru's comment, whining about how he wanted to be the 'top', of course I wouldn't let him. During our first time I realized a lot; first of all, hikaru and I switch personalities during sexual activity (normally I am the more sensitive one and hikaru the feisty one, but during sex, I'm more aggressive and hikaru is very permissive, which is why he's the 'bottom'), second, if I had acted on my feelings sooner, maybe we wouldn't have gotten hurt before. And third, although sometimes it's considered a taboo, love…is never unnatural.


End file.
